Week 16: Thrusting Blatter's Hatters

Gavin Ward [not left] is making space for another OFFL Cup Winners Prize

We're into December and it's time for the group stages of the OFFL Cup soon.

*Shiver*

Coincidentally enough, last year's winner of the OFFL Cup, Gavin Ward, is this week's Manager of the Week with a large score of 17 points.  This thrusts his Blatter's Hatters up three places into seventh.

Meanwhile we have a new leader.  Malcolm Pratt has leapfrogged onto the top of the pile with his 1964 Prathletico Grande sharing the 164 point top score with Russ Bielby's Livercoolio.  This leaves the top four places all squeezed into a 3 point space ahead of the rest of the chasing pack.

So, start trying to get all your fantasy ducks in a line before the Big Group Stage OFFL Cup 'Off'.  So to speak.

By the way, does anyone like Harry Hill here?  He's a Loopy Groupie, don't you know.  Listen here for proof... http://j.mp/201312Popcast

And if it's just a 3 minute song you want, try this... http://j.mp/LoopyFiat500

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 1964 Prathletico Grande    Malcolm Pratt   54.9 13 164
 2 Livercoolio                Russ Bielby     55.0  8 164
 3 Fattered Tanj              Sarah Bingham   54.2  7 163
 4 Woolyback Returns          Guy Harewood    54.9 16 161
 5 Inter Milandrover          Smasher         52.8 -2 146
 6 Eggafield Rovers           Edgar Rayner    52.9 12 144
 7 Blat Setter's Mad Hatters  Gavin Ward      52.1 17 137
 8 Neil's Diamonds            Neil McConaghy  54.2 13 136
 9 Gone Poyet Gone            Nick Reed       54.6  3 128
10 Pyeators II                Dave Clayton    55.0 14 127

11 Moobchester Utd            Jon King        54.7  4 125
12 Tierney's Twonks           Steve Tierney   54.0  9 123
13 Moanchester Ununited       Alex Blundell   55.0  6 122
14 RS-TBOY                    Rick Beecroft   54.6  9 117
15 Mintal Institute           Minty Colquhoun 54.9  1 117
16 Johnny's Heroes            Sarah Bielby    54.8  2 108
17 Real Mcdrid                Craig McHugh    54.8 -4 102
18 Irishpool                  Mike Smears     55.0  5 100
19 It's A Snickers            Ash Keeler      54.0  5  98
20 Botley Yellow              Kate Wilson     54.4  4  97
21 Radnorshire Tigers         Alun Edwards    53.4  0  93
22 Lashings Of Cheese         Chris Walsh     54.4  6  86
23 Which Team                 Rachel Jones    52.8 -3  85
24 Mainly Bell Jam            Hercule Poirot  54.0  3  74
25 It Goes To Eleven          Tom Vamos       47.3  3  29


                              Week's Average Points     6
                              Total Average Points    117

Week 14 & 15: Striking Couples

They can't get enough of each other.

Well, every once in a while you get a strange week.  And this week seems to have been just that.  Strange.  While the pundit world has been talking about joyful striking partnerships and how much Sturridge digs Suarez's unnecessary wrist-kissing, or Aguero enjoys holding hands with Negredo during a match or Van Persil likes looking lustfully into Wooney's eyes across the six yard box, OFFL managers have been forgetting about their defences.

Thanks to this defensive yang to the goalscoring yin we see that seven teams have scored zero or fewer points this week.  In fact, none of the top eight teams scored higher than a Len Goodman "seVENN!" points.

Manager of the Week this week, by the way, is Dave Clayton.  His Pyeators II notched up 16 points, 20 points more than the worst performing teams, moving the 'Eators up four places in the league. Mr Clayton has seen the error of his ways and has now made a change.  Meanwhile former League leader, Birthday Girl and Darren Bent Groupie, Minty Colquhoun, celebrated her birth anniversary by scoring 1 point.  Could have been worse.  Couldn't it Messers Edwards, Rayner and Harewood?  -4, eh? Oof.

Yup.  Strange week that one.  Strange.

Carry on.


9th December sees the release of the new Loopy Album, Booster8.  Why not make your way to facebook.com/LoopyTheBand or follow the band @LoopyTheBand.


T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Fattered Tanj              Sarah Bingham   54.2  1 156
 2 Livercoolio                Russ Bielby     55.0  7 156
 3 1964 Prathletico Grande    Malcolm Pratt   54.9  5 151
 4 Inter Milandrover          Smasher         52.9  0 148
 5 Woolyback Returns          Guy Harewood    54.9 -4 145
 6 Eggafield Rovers           Edgar Rayner    52.9 -4 132
 7 Gone Poyet Gone            Nick Reed       54.6  7 125
 8 Neil's Diamonds            Neil McConaghy  54.2  1 123
 9 Moobchester Utd            Jon King        54.7 11 121
10 Blat Setter's Mad Hatters  Gavin Ward      52.1 13 120

11 Mintal Institute           Minty Colquhoun 54.9  1 116
12 Moanchester Ununited       Alex Blundell   55.0  6 116
13 Tierney's Twonks           Steve Tierney   54.0 12 114
14 Pyeators II                Dave Clayton    54.0 16 113
15 RS-TBOY                    Rick Beecroft   54.6 -3 108
16 Real Mcdrid                Craig McHugh    54.8  8 106
17 Johnny's Heroes            Sarah Bielby    54.8  4 106
18 Irishpool                  Mike Smears     55.0  7  95
19 Radnorshire Tigers         Alun Edwards    53.4 -4  93
20 It's A Snickers            Ash Keeler      54.0  9  93
21 Botley Yellow              Kate Wilson     54.4 -2  93
22 Which Team                 Rachel Jones    52.8 12  88
23 Lashings Of Cheese         Chris Walsh     54.4  4  80
24 Mainly Bell Jam            Hercule Poirot  54.0  9  71
25 It Goes To Eleven          Tom Vamos       47.3  0  26


                              Week's Average Points     4
                              Total Average Points    111

Week 13: Lauding it

Guy Harewood lauding it over the rest of the league.
[If you don't include the actual leaders, of course]

Guy Harewood claims his second Manager of the Week certificate of the season after seeing his Woolyback Returns zip up into second place with a 24-point haul.  Big Malcolm Tweak pratts his team after seeing them fall three places into fifth and Fattered Tanj's lead is shrinking again - now down to just 6 points.  Sarah Bielby's Johnny's Heroes climb highest by elevating themselves five places into fifteenth (after crossing the 100 point mark) and everyone look at Ash Keeler.  Everyone!  Stare at his shame.  -3 points.

No matches for this coming week so chat amongst yourselves for a bit, won't you?

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Fattered Tanj              Sarah Bingham   54.2 12 155
 2 Woolyback Returns          Guy Harewood    54.9 24 149
 3 Livercoolio                Russ Bielby     55.0 16 149
 4 Inter Milandrover          Smasher         52.9 20 148
 5 1964 Prathletico Grande    Malcolm Pratt   54.9 10 146
 6 Eggafield Rovers           Edgar Rayner    52.9 16 136
 7 Neil's Diamonds            Neil McConaghy  54.5  6 122
 8 Gone Poyet Gone            Nick Reed       54.6  9 118
 9 Mintal Institute           Minty Colquhoun 54.9 15 115
10 RS-TBOY                    Rick Beecroft   54.6 13 111

11 Moobchester Utd            Jon King        54.7  8 110
12 Moanchester Ununited       Alex Blundell   55.0 15 110
13 Blat Setter's Mad Hatters  Gavin Ward      52.1 12 107
14 Tierney's Twonks           Steve Tierney   53.6  7 102
15 Johnny's Heroes            Sarah Bielby    54.8 22 102
16 Real Mcdrid                Craig McHugh    54.8  8  98
17 Radnorshire Tigers         Alun Edwards    53.4  7  97
18 Pyeators II                Dave Clayton    54.0  7  97
19 Botley Yellow              Kate Wilson     54.4 19  95
20 Irishpool                  Mike Smears     53.0  2  88
21 It's A Snickers            Ash Keeler      54.0 -3  84
22 Which Team                 Rachel Jones    52.8 17  76
23 Lashings Of Cheese         Chris Walsh     53.6 15  76
24 Mainly Bell Jam            Hercule Poirot  54.0 11  62
25 It Goes To Eleven          Tom Vamos       47.3  6  26


                              Week's Average Points    11
                              Total Average Points    107
---

Week 12: The Ugly Truth

His Mum loves him

The ugly truth of it is that, unlike Brian Clough leaving Nottingham Forest, Alex Ferguson has left Manchester United at precisely the right time.  In doing so, he also left a right mess for the ever-so handsome David Moyes to clean up.  

Where most OFFL managers spotted the fragile defensive frailties in the current Premiership Champions before they picked their teams, others did not.  The more prescient people plumped for the usual alternatives - a Chelsea defender here, a Liverpool goalkeeper there - and overlooked Southampton's sturdy offering at the back.  Until now.

While OFFL common sense suggests it's only a matter of time before a South Coast thrashing comes along and Ruins It All, more transfers for Saints players come in.  When the inevitable calamitous goalfest occurs it should be comforting to return to the ever-improving face of David Moyes and mutter to oneself... "at least I never looked like THAT!"*

In the meantime, two managers share the Manager of the Week Certificate and it's the names of 'Bingham, Sarah' and 'Pratt, Malcolm' that get clumsily embossed on the cheaply framed card this week. Both teams scored a mighty 26 points giving the managers places one and two in the league.

Falling furthest [five places] and needing to pull his socks up in the transfer market is Ash Keeler with his It's a Snickers.  Shocking.

*David Moyes never really looked 'like that'. It's been a little bit photoshopped in time for Halloween.  And I mean 'little bit' - he was no David Beckham.

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Fattered Tanj              Sarah Bingham   54.2 26 143
 2 1964 Prathletico Grande    Malcolm Pratt   54.9 26 136
 3 Livercoolio                Russ Bielby     55.0 18 133
 4 Inter Milandrover          Smasher         52.9 19 128
 5 Woolyback Returns          Guy Harewood    54.9 17 125
 6 Eggafield Rovers           Edgar Rayner    52.9 14 120
 7 Neil's Diamonds            Neil McConaghy  54.5  9 116
 8 Gone Poyet Gone            Nick Reed       54.6  8 109
 9 Moobchester Utd            Jon King        54.7 10 102
10 Mintal Institute           Minty Colquhoun 54.9  9 100

11 RS-TBOY                    Rick Beecroft   54.7 13  98
12 Blat Setter's Mad Hatters  Gavin Ward      52.1  9  95
13 Tierney's Twonks           Steve Tierney   53.6 15  95
14 Moanchester Ununited       Alex Blundell   55.0 13  95
15 Radnorshire Tigers         Alun Edwards    53.4 13  90
16 Pyeators II                Dave Clayton    54.0 16  90
17 Real Mcdrid                Craig McHugh    54.8 13  90
18 It's A Snickers            Ash Keeler      54.0  3  87
19 Irishpool                  Mike Smears     53.0  8  86
20 Johnny's Heroes            Sarah Bielby    54.8  9  80
21 Botley Yellow              Kate Wilson     54.4  6  76
22 Lashings Of Cheese         Chris Walsh     53.6  4  61
23 Which Team                 Rachel Jones    52.8  7  59
24 Mainly Bell Jam            Hercule Poirot  54.0  8  51
25 It Goes To Eleven          Tom Vamos       47.3  2  20


                              Week's Average Points    11
                              Total Average Points     95
---

Week 11: Messiah Merry-Go-Round

He wanted to be a goalie

Winning two Championships on the trot would lead some lesser beings to develop an ego the size of a Gareth Bale weekly pay packet. But Inter Milandrover's manager didn't smugly rest on his laurels over the Summer, oh no.  Instead, he turned to Jesus [Navas].  It's surprising to see this week, therefore, that faith in Jesus has been lost so soon into the season as Smasher relieves Him of his duties.  Indeed, after plummeting to fourth spot in the table, Inter Milandrover have brought in the more reliable services of Arsenal's Sir Alf Ramsay - such is the way of the Messiah Merry-Go-Round of the Footballing world these days.

A Ramsey, the new
saviour on the block

Meanwhile, Mr Bielby slaps in a magnificent 27 points for the Manager of the Week Certificate this week - his Livercoolio benefiting from a Suarez hatrick and a goal + assist from Van Persil Automatic. Livercoolio move up five places into second and only just miss out on the top spot.  That honour has been secured with 2 points by the bingtastic Sarah Bingham's Fattered Tanj.

Also of note - we've seen the top 8 fantasy teams all cruise past the 100 point mark with Botley Yellow managing to get a positive score for their Kate Wilson.

OFFL Cup coming soon!

[As is Loopy's latest 8-track emission, "Booster8" - we'll keep you informed of that momentous event, of course we will, we will to be sure, yes, we will.]

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Fattered Tanj              Sarah Bingham   54.2 19 117
 2 Livercoolio                Russ Bielby     55.0 27 115
 3 1964 Prathletico Grande    Malcolm Pratt   54.9 16 110
 4 Inter Milandrover          Smasher         54.9 10 109
 5 Woolyback Returns          Guy Harewood    54.9 18 108
 6 Neil's Diamonds            Neil McConaghy  54.5 10 107
 7 Eggafield Rovers           Edgar Rayner    52.9 26 106
 8 Gone Poyet Gone            Nick Reed       54.6 13 101
 9 Moobchester Utd            Jon King        54.7 17  92
10 Mintal Institute           Minty Colquhoun 54.9  8  91

11 Blat Setter's Mad Hatters  Gavin Ward      52.1 14  86
12 RS-TBOY                    Rick Beecroft   54.4 20  85
13 It's A Snickers            Ash Keeler      54.0  8  84
14 Moanchester Ununited       Alex Blundell   55.0 13  82
15 Tierney's Twonks           Steve Tierney   53.6 19  80
16 Irishpool                  Mike Smears     53.0 15  78
17 Radnorshire Tigers         Alun Edwards    53.4 12  77
18 Real Mcdrid                Craig McHugh    54.8 10  77
19 Pyeators II                Dave Clayton    55.0 11  74
20 Johnny's Heroes            Sarah Bielby    54.8 12  71
21 Botley Yellow              Kate Wilson     54.4 14  70
22 Lashings Of Cheese         Chris Walsh     53.8 19  59
23 Which Team                 Rachel Jones    52.8 20  52
24 Mainly Bell Jam            Hercule Poirot  54.0  7  43
25 It Goes To Eleven          Tom Vamos       47.3  3  18


                              Week's Average Points    14
                              Total Average Points     83

Week 09 & 10: Good Grief Gavin's Gag's Good.

Ozil: Seen here using the Force.

If you're the kind of Studmarks reader who merely scans for your own name and presses delete when its continued omission from that edition doesn't warrant any further investment of your precious time then listen up.  You, yes, you - the peruser user - you might be missing out on a corking line sent in by Manager Gavin Ward that ends his transfer request this week.  Read on, read on. And by the way, OMG Chairman has confirmed that He will not be giving any any extra points for the line.

In the meantime, here are the essentials...

Manager of the Week is the magnificently resilient Rachel Jones, thanks to her Which Team scoring 22 points for her this week.  No-one will be more shocked than Ms Jones.

Meanwhile, current Champions Inter Milandrover are on course to make it three OFFL Championships in a row by taking over top spot from Birthday Boy Neil McConaghy this week.  Indeed, Neil's Diamonds drop two places while Sarah Bingham's Fattered Tanj surge up into second, a mere one point behind the very smug manager of Inter Milandrover.

Boo!

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Inter Milandrover          Smasher         54.9 19  99
 2 Fattered Tanj              Sarah Bingham   55.0 18  98
 3 Neil's Diamonds            Neil McConaghy  54.5 12  97
 4 1964 Prathletico Grande    Malcolm Pratt   54.9 19  94
 5 Woolyback Returns          Guy Harewood    54.9 20  90
 6 Gone Poyet Gone            Nick Reed       54.6 20  88
 7 Livercoolio                Russ Bielby     55.0 16  88
 8 Mintal Institute           Minty Colquhoun 54.9 14  83
 9 Eggafield Rovers           Edgar Rayner    52.9 13  80
10 It's A Snickers            Ash Keeler      54.0  9  76

11 Moobchester Utd            Jon King        54.7 14  75
12 Blat Setter's Mad Hatters  Gavin Ward      55.0  6  72
13 Moanchester Ununited       Alex Blundell   55.0 20  69
14 Real Mcdrid                Craig McHugh    54.8 13  67
15 Radnorshire Tigers         Alun Edwards    53.4  6  65
16 RS-TBOY                    Rick Beecroft   54.4 11  65
17 Irishpool                  Mike Smears     53.0 15  63
18 Pyeators II                Dave Clayton    55.0 11  63
19 Tierney's Twonks           Steve Tierney   53.6 14  61
20 Johnny's Heroes            Sarah Bielby    54.8  8  59
21 Botley Yellow              Kate Wilson     54.4 -1  56
22 Lashings Of Cheese         Chris Walsh     53.8  3  40
23 Mainly Bell Jam            Hercule Poirot  54.0 14  36
24 Which Team                 Rachel Jones    52.8 22  32
25 It Goes To Eleven          Tom Vamos       47.3  5  15


                              Week's Average Points    12
                              Total Average Points     69
---

-----------------------------
T r a n s f e r s   a n d   s t u f f
=============================

RST-Boy
-------------------
   From: Rick 'Minus 5' Beecroft
     To: Chairman@LittleSmasher.com
Subject: Weekly Score of Minus 5

What a load of poo

Kind Regards

Rick

----------------------
Chairman responds:
Your team?

=============================

Eggafield United
-------------------
   From: Edgar Rayner
     To: Chairman@LittleSmasher.com
Subject: 

Eggafield United subs please;

Out
307 Cazorla
102 Szczesny
In
302 Ramsey
141 Lloris

Thanks Mr.Chairman

Eg
x

----------------------
Chairman responds:
We love it when you abandon your 'Shouldn't be allowed to make transfers' Policy.  Love it.

=============================

Blat Setter's Mad Hatters
-------------------
   From: Gavin Ward
     To: Chairman@LittleSmasher.com
Subject: 

Salutations oh great and powerful Chairman,

It seems that the pace has been lost by my football monkeys. Wild swinging of the axe is bound to improve attitudes for those who remain…

Please can you sling this lot out;

133 GK A Begovic    STO
273 CB S Bassong    NOR
309 MF T Walcott    ARS
357 MF M Fellaini   EVE
468 MF Michu        SWA
548 ST R van Persie MU

And bring this bunch in;

130 GK A Boruc      SOT
235 CB J Terry      CHE
622 MF M Ozil       ARS
396 MF Y Toure      MC
302 MF A Ramsey     ARS
589 ST L Remy       NEW

Ozil how it goes from here…

----------------------
Chairman responds:
*Ripple of applause*

=============================

Fattered Tanj
-------------------
   From: Sarah Bingham
     To: Chairman@LittleSmasher.com
Subject: Studmuffins: OFFL Week 08

Good day to you Seated Hombre!!

May I please make the following changes......
(Actually watched Match of t'Day, quite informative isn't it?!!)

Sent with thanks!
The Tattered One

Out                                      In
 309   MF  T Walcott        ARS    5.6    622 MF M Ozil       ARS   £5.5
 355   MF  K Mirallas       EVE    4.4    629 MF A Januzaj     MU   £3.8
 383   MF  P Coutinho       LIV    4.4    302 MF A Ramsey     ARS   £3.9
 555   ST  R v Wolfswinkel  NOR    6.0    589 ST L Remy       NEW   £6.4


----------------------
Chairman responds:
It IS quite informative.  If we ignore the loons that do the informing - faces for radio, the lot of them.

And it would be a pleasure to slip these into your Fattered Tanj, Ma'am. A pleasure.


=============================

Week 08: The Monocle's Out

Guess Who's the Manager of the Week?
[actual certificate pictured]

Manager of the Week this week is the Frenchman, Hercule Poirot.

Apologies Monsieur Poirot, of course we mean Belgian.

His Mainly Bell Jam team consisting of mainly Belgian players mainly scored 13 points for him this week, earning our mainly fictional sleuth the Manager of the Week Certificate which he will doubtlessly examine mainly through his immaculately clean monocle.

Now let's borrow that monocle and take a moment to study Guy Harewood. In what was a poor week for all fantasy defences across the country, his Woolyback Returns successfully lost 7 points.  That's a weekly total of minus 7.  SEVEN.

So much for those expertly-timed midfield transfers the other week.  His tragic score of MINUS 7 [which will take some beating, we have to say] has meant a fall of four places in the league, handing second spot to Champions Inter Milandrover and a 1 point increase to the lead of Neil McConaghy over the rest of the league.

Mention must also go to non-fictional Jon King.  His Moobchester Utd narrowly missed out on the certificate by 1 point.  Nevertheless, he remains this week's biggest mover by heaving his Moobs up six places cupping them gently into Twelfth.  Nice.


T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Neil's Diamonds            Neil McConaghy  54.5  4  85
 2 Inter Milandrover          Smasher         54.9  8  80
 3 Fattered Tanj              Sarah Bingham   55.0  4  80
 4 1964 Prathletico Grande    Malcolm Pratt   54.9  4  75
 5 Livercoolio                Russ Bielby     55.0  0  72
 6 Woolyback Returns          Guy Harewood    54.9 -7  70
 7 Mintal Institute           Minty Colquhoun 54.9  3  69
 8 Gone Poyet Gone            Nick Reed       54.6  1  68
 9 It's A Snickers            Ash Keeler      54.0  2  67
10 Eggafield Rovers           Edgar Rayner    54.8  4  67

11 Blat Setter's Mad Hatters  Gavin Ward      55.0  0  66
12 Moobchester Utd            Jon King        54.7 12  61
13 Radnorshire Tigers         Alun Edwards    53.4  0  59
14 Botley Yellow              Kate Wilson     54.4 -3  57
15 RS-TBOY                    Rick Beecroft   54.4 -5  54
16 Real Mcdrid                Craig McHugh    54.8  2  54
17 Pyeators II                Dave Clayton    55.0 -1  52
18 Johnny's Heroes            Sarah Bielby    54.8  0  51
19 Moanchester Ununited       Alex Blundell   55.0  5  49
20 Irishpool                  Mike Smears     54.5  2  48
21 Tierney's Twonks           Steve Tierney   53.6  2  47
22 Lashings Of Cheese         Chris Walsh     53.8  6  37
23 Mainly Bell Jam            Hercule Poirot  54.0 13  22
24 It Goes To Eleven          Tom Vamos       47.3  2  10
25 Which Team                 Rachel Jones    53.6  7  10


                              Week's Average Points     2
                              Total Average Points     56
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