Week 38: Exercising buttocks

Russell Bielby, relaxing amid the chaos below

Good grief, HE'S ONLY GONE AND DONE IT!  And all the while everyone was telling him it couldn't be done.  They said it was impossible.  That he shouldn't even 'Go There, sistah!'.  He had even resigned himself to the inevitable failure of it NOT HAPPENING.  But, yes - oh yes, oh yes, oh yes - this week, at last, Neil McConaghy's Neil's Diamonds have finally broken into the top ten by nudging Nick Reed's Gone Poyet Gone out of the way and into eleventh. Astonishing achievement.  Congratulations Mr McConaghy, we salute you.  You just need to hang on for the last week.  What's that?  Oh didn't we tell you all...

We're in the final week of the season - just in case you didn't have the foggiest.  Which is most of you I should think, considering the transfer decisions you've been making all season.

This also means we're in and playing the OFFL Cup Final too.

*Excited Buttock Clench*

In the league, we've seen more jostling for that much prized second place with Gavin Ward's Manager of the Week certificate-winning score of 19 points pushing his Blat Setter's Mad Hatters into second.  In order to win the Championship, Mr Ward requires next week's score to be at least 35 points greater than Livercoolio's. 

Could happen.

Meanwhile Sarah Bielby's Johnny's Heroes have slumped [down three] to eighteenth.  To make matters worse, her husband's Liverpool-loving mood has taken a turn for the dire this week.  Mrs Bielby will have to comfort herself with the knowledge that the Eurovision Song Contest is THIS WEEKEND.  Counts for something, surely.

*Excited Buttock Clench*

Mr Bielby, on the other hand, will have to keep in mind that the fat lady hasn't sung quite yet.  Not that Mrs Bielby is a fat lady of course, she's not.  Quite the opposite in fact.

*Awkward Buttock Clench*

In fact, if actual fat ladies singing is your thing then, the Eurovision Song Contest is THIS WEEKEND!  Did I say already?

*Excited Buttock Clench*

And as a final remark this week, Studmarks has been reassured that the OFFL Umpa Lumpas look forward to laughing, then binning, the next transfer request to come in to OFFL HQ this week.  There are no more weeks after this week of course. 

And that last sentence was dedicated to Sarah Bingham, of course.

OFFL Cup

Final, in play.

RST-Boy        v  Woolyback Returns
Rick Beecroft     Guy Harewood

With both managers playing L Baines EVE and S Coleman EVE at Full Back, this is how the teams stack up against each other.

RST-BOY         Club Tot | Woolyback Returns Club Tot
-----------------------------------------------------
109 GK P Cech    CHE  15 | 141 GK H Lloris   TOT  12
274 CB D Lovren  SOT   3 | 254 CB D Agger    LIV  23
294 CB G McAuley WBA  -9 | 260 CB V Kompany  MC   19
307 MF S Cazorla ARS  28 | 309 MF T Walcott  ARS  25
396 MF Y Toure   MC   35 | 302 MF A Ramsey   ARS  37
622 MF M Ozil    ARS  33 | 386 MF S Gerrard  LIV  63
334 MF E Hazard  CHE  47 | 474 MF A Townsend TOT   5
538 ST D SturridgLIV  40 | 548 ST R van PersiMU   39
541 ST L Suarez  LIV  50 | 569 ST W Bony     SWA  54

We know where we think the Stanley Matthews' Football Album will be going this year. 

Let us know where YOU think it will be going... 

Simply use the hashtags #ming or #mong along with #IDontGiveAMonkeys to @Studmarks.

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Livercoolio                Russ Bielby     55.0  9 482
 2 Blat Setter's Mad Hatters  Gavin Ward      53.5 19 447
 3 Inter Milandrover          Smasher         54.5  7 445
 4 Pyeators II                Dave Clayton    54.0  9 443
 5 Irishpool                  Mike Smears     54.8 11 430
 6 Fattered Tanj              Sarah Bingham   52.9  5 408
 7 RS-TBOY                    Rick Beecroft   55.0 12 401
 8 Tierney's Twonks           Steve Tierney   53.3  7 387
 9 Woolyback Returns          Guy Harewood    54.9 -4 372
10 Neil's Diamonds            Neil McConaghy  55.0  8 365
11 Gone Poyet Gone            Nick Reed       54.8  7 364
12 1964 Prathletico Grande    Malcolm Pratt   54.4 -1 345
13 Eggafield Rovers           Edgar Rayner    52.9  2 335
14 Radnorshire Tigers         Alun Edwards    52.5  8 326
15 Which Team                 Rachel Jones    52.8 15 318
16 Moanchester Ununited       Alex Blundell   55.0 12 310
17 Real Mcdrid                Craig McHugh    53.0 14 309
18 Johnny's Heroes            Sarah Bielby    54.8  3 309
19 Lashings Of Cheese         Chris Walsh     54.4  2 297
20 It's A Snickers            Ash Keeler      54.0 13 291
21 Botley Yellow              Kate Wilson     54.4  4 278
22 Moobchester Utd            Jon King        54.7  5 255
23 Mainly Bell Jam            Hercule Poirot  54.0  2 248
24 Mintal Institute           Minty Colquhoun 54.9  2 247
25 It Goes To Eleven          Tom Vamos       47.3  6 150


                              Week's Average Points     7
                              Total Average Points    342
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Week 30: Pride and Pregnancy

Tom Vamos is very proud of his achievement

 

 

 

So proud of his 'Passing the 100 point mark' achievement, current Gardener Tom Vamos decided to stay on that score for another week.  Meanwhile The Impregnable Top Ten has just been impregnated.  By RST-Boy of course.  Lord Beeky, whose wife has recently given birth to his second child, is no stranger to impregnating things.  In the process, The Top Ten had to make space by putting Edgar Rayner's Eggafield Rovers up for adoption.

Which is a shame.  If he was to care.

This week's Managers of the Week include Gavin Ward, Smasher and Ash Keeler.  A bookie-rattling 9 points.  Swoon.

That was sarcasm just then.  Thank you.

Right.  OFFL Cup... it's being played NOW!

OFFL Cup

ROUND THREE

To be played in Week 31

           Mainly Bell Jam  v RS-TBOY
           Gone Poyet Gone  v Woolyback Returns
                Which Team  v Livercoolio
   1964 Prathletico Grande  v Pyeators II

It's for a valuable* prize!

*value is open to personal intepretation.

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Livercoolio                Russ Bielby     54.4  5 391
 2 Blat Setter's Mad Hatters  Gavin Ward      53.5  9 338
 3 Pyeators II                Dave Clayton    55.0  5 329
 4 Inter Milandrover          Smasher         54.1  9 324
 5 Irishpool                  Mike Smears     55.0  6 318
 6 Fattered Tanj              Sarah Bingham   53.4  6 314
 7 1964 Prathletico Grande    Malcolm Pratt   54.4  2 297
 8 Woolyback Returns          Guy Harewood    54.9 -1 291
 9 Tierney's Twonks           Steve Tierney   53.3  6 288
10 RS-TBOY                    Rick Beecroft   55.0  7 287
11 Eggafield Rovers           Edgar Rayner    52.9 -1 286
12 Gone Poyet Gone            Nick Reed       54.8  3 269
13 Neil's Diamonds            Neil McConaghy  55.0  6 269
14 Which Team                 Rachel Jones    52.8  8 251
15 Lashings Of Cheese         Chris Walsh     54.4  5 246
16 Moanchester Ununited       Alex Blundell   55.0  5 246
17 Real Mcdrid                Craig McHugh    53.0  0 239
18 Mintal Institute           Minty Colquhoun 54.9  2 231
19 It's A Snickers            Ash Keeler      54.0  9 225
20 Radnorshire Tigers         Alun Edwards    52.5  0 220
21 Johnny's Heroes            Sarah Bielby    54.8  4 211
22 Moobchester Utd            Jon King        54.7  5 208
23 Mainly Bell Jam            Hercule Poirot  54.0  0 199
24 Botley Yellow              Kate Wilson     54.4  4 195
25 It Goes To Eleven          Tom Vamos       47.3  0 100


                              Week's Average Points     4
                              Total Average Points    262
---

Week 25: OFFL Cup Round Two: The Belgians don't stand a chance

Highest Climbers, Irishpool.  Not that we're reverting to stereotypes.

As our current Champions fall off the pace, into fourth, Gavin Ward's Blat Setter's Mad Hatters cruise into second with a Manager of the Week certificate-winning score of 32 points.  Highest climbers, Irishpool, net 31 points moving them up four spots in the table to be sure, to be sure, calm down, calm down, to be sure etc.  Such high scores are, surely, good omens for those managers in the coming OFFL Cup round... which looks like this...

OFFL Cup

ROUND TWO

            Livercoolio  v    Mintal Institute    v Eggafield Rovers
      It Goes To Eleven  v    Tierney's Twonks    v Pyeators II
      Woolyback Returns  v    Neil's Diamonds     v Radnorshire Tigers
      Inter Milandrover  v  Moanchester Ununited  v Gone Poyet Gone
      
1964 Prathletico Grande              v              Fattered Tanj
             Which Team              v              It's A Snickers
              Irishpool              v              RS-TBOY
        Mainly Bell Jam              v              Blat Setter's Mad Hatters

The Belgians don't stand a chance.  Good luck all.

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Livercoolio                Russ Bielby     54.4 20 331
 2 Blat Setter's Mad Hatters  Gavin Ward      53.5 32 288
 3 Pyeators II                Dave Clayton    55.0 21 277
 4 Inter Milandrover          Smasher         54.1  4 269
 5 Fattered Tanj              Sarah Bingham   53.4 13 265
 6 Irishpool                  Mike Smears     54.3 31 254
 7 1964 Prathletico Grande    Malcolm Pratt   54.4 13 253
 8 Tierney's Twonks           Steve Tierney   53.3 17 250
 9 Eggafield Rovers           Edgar Rayner    52.9 20 249
10 Woolyback Returns          Guy Harewood    54.9  5 239

11 RS-TBOY                    Rick Beecroft   53.9 23 226
12 Neil's Diamonds            Neil McConaghy  53.8 16 224
13 Gone Poyet Gone            Nick Reed       54.8 15 224
14 Which Team                 Rachel Jones    52.8 22 207
15 Moanchester Ununited       Alex Blundell   55.0 17 207
16 Lashings Of Cheese         Chris Walsh     54.4 13 201
17 Mintal Institute           Minty Colquhoun 54.9 11 188
18 Real Mcdrid                Craig McHugh    53.0 18 182
19 It's A Snickers            Ash Keeler      54.0 19 179
20 Radnorshire Tigers         Alun Edwards    52.5  9 178
21 Moobchester Utd            Jon King        54.7 15 174
22 Botley Yellow              Kate Wilson     54.4 24 163
23 Johnny's Heroes            Sarah Bielby    54.8 26 160
24 Mainly Bell Jam            Hercule Poirot  54.0 17 156
25 It Goes To Eleven          Tom Vamos       47.3 11  75


                              Week's Average Points    17
                              Total Average Points    216

Week 16: Thrusting Blatter's Hatters

Gavin Ward [not left] is making space for another OFFL Cup Winners Prize

We're into December and it's time for the group stages of the OFFL Cup soon.

*Shiver*

Coincidentally enough, last year's winner of the OFFL Cup, Gavin Ward, is this week's Manager of the Week with a large score of 17 points.  This thrusts his Blatter's Hatters up three places into seventh.

Meanwhile we have a new leader.  Malcolm Pratt has leapfrogged onto the top of the pile with his 1964 Prathletico Grande sharing the 164 point top score with Russ Bielby's Livercoolio.  This leaves the top four places all squeezed into a 3 point space ahead of the rest of the chasing pack.

So, start trying to get all your fantasy ducks in a line before the Big Group Stage OFFL Cup 'Off'.  So to speak.

By the way, does anyone like Harry Hill here?  He's a Loopy Groupie, don't you know.  Listen here for proof... http://j.mp/201312Popcast

And if it's just a 3 minute song you want, try this... http://j.mp/LoopyFiat500

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 1964 Prathletico Grande    Malcolm Pratt   54.9 13 164
 2 Livercoolio                Russ Bielby     55.0  8 164
 3 Fattered Tanj              Sarah Bingham   54.2  7 163
 4 Woolyback Returns          Guy Harewood    54.9 16 161
 5 Inter Milandrover          Smasher         52.8 -2 146
 6 Eggafield Rovers           Edgar Rayner    52.9 12 144
 7 Blat Setter's Mad Hatters  Gavin Ward      52.1 17 137
 8 Neil's Diamonds            Neil McConaghy  54.2 13 136
 9 Gone Poyet Gone            Nick Reed       54.6  3 128
10 Pyeators II                Dave Clayton    55.0 14 127

11 Moobchester Utd            Jon King        54.7  4 125
12 Tierney's Twonks           Steve Tierney   54.0  9 123
13 Moanchester Ununited       Alex Blundell   55.0  6 122
14 RS-TBOY                    Rick Beecroft   54.6  9 117
15 Mintal Institute           Minty Colquhoun 54.9  1 117
16 Johnny's Heroes            Sarah Bielby    54.8  2 108
17 Real Mcdrid                Craig McHugh    54.8 -4 102
18 Irishpool                  Mike Smears     55.0  5 100
19 It's A Snickers            Ash Keeler      54.0  5  98
20 Botley Yellow              Kate Wilson     54.4  4  97
21 Radnorshire Tigers         Alun Edwards    53.4  0  93
22 Lashings Of Cheese         Chris Walsh     54.4  6  86
23 Which Team                 Rachel Jones    52.8 -3  85
24 Mainly Bell Jam            Hercule Poirot  54.0  3  74
25 It Goes To Eleven          Tom Vamos       47.3  3  29


                              Week's Average Points     6
                              Total Average Points    117

Week 01: "Stop The Press! We need it for more 'Manager of the Week' Certificates"

Well that's never happened before.  Six managers, SIX of them, are all sharing Week One's top spot in the league with 18 points apiece.  This means there are SIX Manager of the Week certificates to be spewed out from the upper windows of the OFFL HQ's printing department.

Like a really naff ticker tape parade.

Also a first, each team that has been submitted to date has Robin Van Persie ARS as a striker.  This effectively means you're all fighting this season out with ten men.  Effectively.

Furthermore, we welcome back Kate Wilson to the best Fantasy Football League in the whole wide room.  The relentlessly optimistic Oxford United supporter has thrown her straw boater into the ring with other Oxford notables, Alun Edwards and Neil McConaghy.

Back too, with magnificent pedigree, is 2006 Champion Guy Harewood, and ukulele playing Brighton & 'Hove Actually' stalwart Nick Reed.  They'll be vying for supremacy with the only manager to ever achieve The Double: Steve Tierney is back to wave his Tierney's Twonks about, hoping to repeat the performance of 2004.  Let's emphasise that again... The Only Team To Have Done The Double.  That was an enormous achievement.  Enormous.  As is Steve.

[If all the stories are true]

[To be fair they're all HIS stories]

We also welcome back the current back-to-back Champions, Inter Milandrover.  But the less said about them the better.

Welcome back one and all, and remember... it's a marathon, not a etc etc.


T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                  Manager            (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Neil's Diamonds        Neil McConaghy      54.5 18  18
 1 Blat Setter's Mad HatteGavin Ward          54.6 18  18
 1 Real Mcdrid            Craig McHugh        54.7 18  18
 1 Woolyback Returns      Guy Harewood        54.8 18  18
 1 Mintal Institute       Minty Colquhoun     54.9 18  18
 1 Inter Milandrover      Smasher             54.9 18  18
 7 Eggafield Rovers       Edgar Rayner        54.8 15  15
 7 1964 Prathletico GrandeMalcolm Pratt       54.9 15  15
 9 RS-TBOY                Rick Beecroft       54.5 14  14
10 Livercoolio            Russ Bielby         55.0 12  12

11 Botley Yellow          Kate Wilson         54.4 11  11
11 Johnny's Heroes        Sarah Bielby        54.8 11  11
11 Radnorshire Tigers     Alun Edwards        55.0 11  11
14 Pyeators II            Dave Clayton        54.7  9   9
15 Moobchester Utd        Jon King            54.7  7   7
16 Gone Poyet Gone        Nick Reed           53.6  6   6
17 Lashings Of Cheese     Chris Walsh         54.9  5   5


                          Week's Average Points        13
                          Total Average Points         13
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