Week 39: Where are all the metatarsal injuries now eh?

Russell Bielby's Livercoolio win the OFFL Championship for the second time

It's not as if we didn't see it coming.  The long, slow, foreplay that has been most of this season has finally climaxed in this season-end's orgasmic crowning of the Office Fantasy Football League Champions 2013/2014, Livercoolio. Congratulations go to Mr Russell Bielby, League Champions for the second time. Interestingly, Bielby's last win was also in the last World Cup Year of 2010.  I say 'interestingly', but it isn't really.

What might be interesting is that in the last week, Dave Clayton's Pyeators II jumped two places to usurp Gavin Ward's Blat Setter's Mad Hatters to finish as Runners Up this season. Champs for the last two years, Inter Milandrover, finish in turd.  Third.

Meanwhile the Wooden Spoon has been won in emphatic style by Mr Tom Vamos.  His It Goes To Eleven finished an impressive 99 points below penultimate place, which in itself went to one-time League leaders Mintal Institute.

OFFL Cup

And now, for the Cup denouement.

Whose front door mat will get a jolly good thwonking from the much coveted Stanley Matthews' Football Album?

Well, thanks to the midweek games before the final Premiership Sunday of the Season, it was all square in the OFFL Cup at 10 points each.  But then Saturday came...

OFFL Cup Final
--------------
FINAL SCORE

RST-Boy       20  v  40  Woolyback Returns 
Rick Beecroft            Guy Harewood

So, the Manager of the Week certificate not only goes to Guy Harewood for scoring 40 points but it also ensures that his Woolyback Returns wins the OFFL Cup Final with relative ease, doubling the points of his opponent, Rick Beecroft.  Congratulations Mr Harewood - I'm sure the England legend's Footballing Annual will receive the utmost respect up there in the Clackmannanshire Republic of Scotland.

So, for most of you, another season ends with humiliating disappointment.  A brief look back over the last 39 weeks will probably make perfect sense of it all for you.  But right now it's over.  Over and done with.  There's nothing left for you here.  Move along please.

As always, Studmarks and all the staff at OFFL HQ, would like to thank you for taking part; for absorbing the barbed comments and ritual haranguing. Next season will be the 20th year of this nonsense.  If you can stomach it, you'd probably all be welcome.

Yes, twenty years.

By the time this missive is dispatched The Chairman will have given himself up to the authorities before planning, in time for next season, his inevitable escape from whichever inadequately secured institute in which he finds himself.

Nurse yourself through the forthcoming OFFL-less weeks with the month-long World Cup.  This season's abject failure to make any impact on the OFFL campaign will be adequate preparation for the witnessing of England's expected progress.

Which reminds us... where are all the metatarsal injuries now, eh?

Roll credits.


OFFICE FANTASY FOOTBALL LEAGUE CHAMPIONS 2014
---------------------------------------------
Livercoolio, 492 points
Russ Bielby


OFFL CUP WINNERS 2014
---------------------
Woolyback Returns
Guy Harewood


OFFICE FANTASY FOOTBALL LEAGUE RUNNERS UP 2014
----------------------------------------------
Pyeators II, 465 points
Dave Clayton


OFFL CUP RUNNERS UP
-------------------
RST-Boy
Rick Beecroft


Many, many, MANY congratulations.

Worth a mention:  After a season-long battle for many to finish in the top ten, Nick Reed's Gone Poyet Gone sneak past Neil's Neil's Diamonds to retake tenth place.  105 points behind the Champions mind, but it's the top ten, nevertheless.

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Livercoolio                Russ Bielby     55.0 10 492
 2 Pyeators II                Dave Clayton    54.0 22 465
 3 Inter Milandrover          Smasher         54.5 16 461
 4 Blat Setter's Mad Hatters  Gavin Ward      53.5 12 459
 5 Irishpool                  Mike Smears     54.8 22 452
 6 Fattered Tanj              Sarah Bingham   52.9 27 435
 7 RS-TBOY                    Rick Beecroft   55.0 20 421
 8 Woolyback Returns          Guy Harewood    54.9 40 412
 9 Tierney's Twonks           Steve Tierney   53.3 19 406
10 Gone Poyet Gone            Nick Reed       54.8 23 387
11 Neil's Diamonds            Neil McConaghy  55.0 21 386
12 1964 Prathletico Grande    Malcolm Pratt   54.4 17 362
13 Eggafield Rovers           Edgar Rayner    52.9 19 354
14 Radnorshire Tigers         Alun Edwards    52.5 24 350
15 Johnny's Heroes            Sarah Bielby    54.8 28 337
16 Which Team                 Rachel Jones    52.8  4 322
17 Real Mcdrid                Craig McHugh    53.0 13 322
18 Moanchester Ununited       Alex Blundell   55.0  7 317
19 Lashings Of Cheese         Chris Walsh     54.4 17 314
20 Botley Yellow              Kate Wilson     54.4 25 303
21 It's A Snickers            Ash Keeler      54.0  3 294
22 Moobchester Utd            Jon King        54.7 17 272
23 Mainly Bell Jam            Hercule Poirot  54.0 13 261
24 Mintal Institute           Minty Colquhoun 54.9  6 253
25 It Goes To Eleven          Tom Vamos       47.3  4 154


                              Week's Average Points    17
                              Total Average Points    359
---

Week 38: Exercising buttocks

Russell Bielby, relaxing amid the chaos below

Good grief, HE'S ONLY GONE AND DONE IT!  And all the while everyone was telling him it couldn't be done.  They said it was impossible.  That he shouldn't even 'Go There, sistah!'.  He had even resigned himself to the inevitable failure of it NOT HAPPENING.  But, yes - oh yes, oh yes, oh yes - this week, at last, Neil McConaghy's Neil's Diamonds have finally broken into the top ten by nudging Nick Reed's Gone Poyet Gone out of the way and into eleventh. Astonishing achievement.  Congratulations Mr McConaghy, we salute you.  You just need to hang on for the last week.  What's that?  Oh didn't we tell you all...

We're in the final week of the season - just in case you didn't have the foggiest.  Which is most of you I should think, considering the transfer decisions you've been making all season.

This also means we're in and playing the OFFL Cup Final too.

*Excited Buttock Clench*

In the league, we've seen more jostling for that much prized second place with Gavin Ward's Manager of the Week certificate-winning score of 19 points pushing his Blat Setter's Mad Hatters into second.  In order to win the Championship, Mr Ward requires next week's score to be at least 35 points greater than Livercoolio's. 

Could happen.

Meanwhile Sarah Bielby's Johnny's Heroes have slumped [down three] to eighteenth.  To make matters worse, her husband's Liverpool-loving mood has taken a turn for the dire this week.  Mrs Bielby will have to comfort herself with the knowledge that the Eurovision Song Contest is THIS WEEKEND.  Counts for something, surely.

*Excited Buttock Clench*

Mr Bielby, on the other hand, will have to keep in mind that the fat lady hasn't sung quite yet.  Not that Mrs Bielby is a fat lady of course, she's not.  Quite the opposite in fact.

*Awkward Buttock Clench*

In fact, if actual fat ladies singing is your thing then, the Eurovision Song Contest is THIS WEEKEND!  Did I say already?

*Excited Buttock Clench*

And as a final remark this week, Studmarks has been reassured that the OFFL Umpa Lumpas look forward to laughing, then binning, the next transfer request to come in to OFFL HQ this week.  There are no more weeks after this week of course. 

And that last sentence was dedicated to Sarah Bingham, of course.

OFFL Cup

Final, in play.

RST-Boy        v  Woolyback Returns
Rick Beecroft     Guy Harewood

With both managers playing L Baines EVE and S Coleman EVE at Full Back, this is how the teams stack up against each other.

RST-BOY         Club Tot | Woolyback Returns Club Tot
-----------------------------------------------------
109 GK P Cech    CHE  15 | 141 GK H Lloris   TOT  12
274 CB D Lovren  SOT   3 | 254 CB D Agger    LIV  23
294 CB G McAuley WBA  -9 | 260 CB V Kompany  MC   19
307 MF S Cazorla ARS  28 | 309 MF T Walcott  ARS  25
396 MF Y Toure   MC   35 | 302 MF A Ramsey   ARS  37
622 MF M Ozil    ARS  33 | 386 MF S Gerrard  LIV  63
334 MF E Hazard  CHE  47 | 474 MF A Townsend TOT   5
538 ST D SturridgLIV  40 | 548 ST R van PersiMU   39
541 ST L Suarez  LIV  50 | 569 ST W Bony     SWA  54

We know where we think the Stanley Matthews' Football Album will be going this year. 

Let us know where YOU think it will be going... 

Simply use the hashtags #ming or #mong along with #IDontGiveAMonkeys to @Studmarks.

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Livercoolio                Russ Bielby     55.0  9 482
 2 Blat Setter's Mad Hatters  Gavin Ward      53.5 19 447
 3 Inter Milandrover          Smasher         54.5  7 445
 4 Pyeators II                Dave Clayton    54.0  9 443
 5 Irishpool                  Mike Smears     54.8 11 430
 6 Fattered Tanj              Sarah Bingham   52.9  5 408
 7 RS-TBOY                    Rick Beecroft   55.0 12 401
 8 Tierney's Twonks           Steve Tierney   53.3  7 387
 9 Woolyback Returns          Guy Harewood    54.9 -4 372
10 Neil's Diamonds            Neil McConaghy  55.0  8 365
11 Gone Poyet Gone            Nick Reed       54.8  7 364
12 1964 Prathletico Grande    Malcolm Pratt   54.4 -1 345
13 Eggafield Rovers           Edgar Rayner    52.9  2 335
14 Radnorshire Tigers         Alun Edwards    52.5  8 326
15 Which Team                 Rachel Jones    52.8 15 318
16 Moanchester Ununited       Alex Blundell   55.0 12 310
17 Real Mcdrid                Craig McHugh    53.0 14 309
18 Johnny's Heroes            Sarah Bielby    54.8  3 309
19 Lashings Of Cheese         Chris Walsh     54.4  2 297
20 It's A Snickers            Ash Keeler      54.0 13 291
21 Botley Yellow              Kate Wilson     54.4  4 278
22 Moobchester Utd            Jon King        54.7  5 255
23 Mainly Bell Jam            Hercule Poirot  54.0  2 248
24 Mintal Institute           Minty Colquhoun 54.9  2 247
25 It Goes To Eleven          Tom Vamos       47.3  6 150


                              Week's Average Points     7
                              Total Average Points    342
---

Week 37: Second hand books

Gone?

This week's Manager of the Week is Smasher with a score of 22 points.  This lifts his current OFFL Champions, Inter Milandrover, into second place - a mere 35 points behind Russ Bielby's Livercoolio.

Alex Blundell's Moanchester Ununited steps back over to the wrong side of the 300 point mark after losing 2 points and Mintal Institute completes the journey from the top of the table [from Weeks 2 - 5] to the bottom [ignoring It Goes To Eleven] by letting Mainly Bell Jam take twenty-third spot.

Neil's Diamonds are about to kick Gone Poyet Gone out of the top ten.

And that's as exciting as it gets for the close of this season.  Unless you're in the OFFL Cup fighting for a second hand book.


T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Livercoolio                Russ Bielby     55.0  9 473
 2 Inter Milandrover          Smasher         54.5 22 438
 3 Pyeators II                Dave Clayton    54.0 16 434
 4 Blat Setter's Mad Hatters  Gavin Ward      53.5 16 428
 5 Irishpool                  Mike Smears     54.8  7 419
 6 Fattered Tanj              Sarah Bingham   52.9 18 403
 7 RS-TBOY                    Rick Beecroft   55.0  6 389
 8 Tierney's Twonks           Steve Tierney   53.3 16 380
 9 Woolyback Returns          Guy Harewood    54.9 12 376
10 Gone Poyet Gone            Nick Reed       54.8  8 357
11 Neil's Diamonds            Neil McConaghy  55.0 12 357
12 1964 Prathletico Grande    Malcolm Pratt   54.4  5 346
13 Eggafield Rovers           Edgar Rayner    52.9 10 333
14 Radnorshire Tigers         Alun Edwards    52.5 15 318
15 Johnny's Heroes            Sarah Bielby    54.8 10 306
16 Which Team                 Rachel Jones    52.8  2 303
17 Moanchester Ununited       Alex Blundell   55.0 -2 298
18 Real Mcdrid                Craig McHugh    53.0  6 295
19 Lashings Of Cheese         Chris Walsh     54.4  3 295
20 It's A Snickers            Ash Keeler      54.0  8 278
21 Botley Yellow              Kate Wilson     54.4  9 274
22 Moobchester Utd            Jon King        54.7  3 250
23 Mainly Bell Jam            Hercule Poirot  54.0  4 246
24 Mintal Institute           Minty Colquhoun 54.9  2 245
25 It Goes To Eleven          Tom Vamos       47.3  8 144


                              Week's Average Points     9
                              Total Average Points    335
---

Week 36: Little tinkling in bed

OMG Chairman's Bed-Bound Equipment Of Choice

OFFL Cup

Semi-Finals Results, played in Week 36

RS-TBOY           19 v 18 Livercoolio
Woolyback Returns 23 v 16 Pyeators II

As some of you may be aware, Our Most Gracious [and parsimonious] Chairman doesn't like to give too much away.  Particularly when it's to just one manager.  You may remember the season, ten years ago, in which both the OFFL Cup and the OFFL Championship went to Steve Tierney's Tierney's Twonks - in a fit of cantankerous pique, OMG Chairman had to take to his bed with his little beckoning bell for two months after that.

This season, He's been fearing the worst again.  Indeed, rampant Russ Bielby has been giving him cause to polish that beckoning bell once more, replacing the little clapper that Mrs Chairman so carefully removed in order to dust and couldn't remember where she'd mislaid it.  Up until now, Bielby's boys looked certain to repeat Mr Tierney's 2004 feat. Thankfully though, The Chairman need not have worried.  Rick Beecroft to the rescue. Rick's RST-Boy have knocked out OFFL Champs Elect Livercoolio by just one point.  Bye bye Bielby.

The horrible reality for Mr Bielby is that if only he hadn't transferred out Paulinho TOT 9 minutes before the transfer deadline [Monday 1730hrs]. Paulinho's score would have meant Lord Beeky's exit instead, by just 1 point.  The inverse tragedy struck our other defeated Semi-Finalist, Dave Clayton.  His transfer request for Sterling LIV missed the deadline by 3 hours.  Sterling scored 8 points and would have won the tie for Pyeators II by, yes, 1 point.

And maybe that's as exciting as this season's going to get for us.  Well, for Finalists Rick and Guy at any rate.

The OFFL Cup Final will be played between RST-Boy and Woolyback Returns.

Congratulations Guys.  And Ricks.

The Bromance of the Cup lives on.


T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Livercoolio                Russ Bielby     55.0 18 464
 2 Pyeators II                Dave Clayton    55.0 16 418
 3 Inter Milandrover          Smasher         54.5 19 416
 4 Blat Setter's Mad Hatters  Gavin Ward      53.5  6 412
 5 Irishpool                  Mike Smears     54.8 15 412
 6 Fattered Tanj              Sarah Bingham   52.9 18 385
 7 RS-TBOY                    Rick Beecroft   55.0 19 383
 8 Tierney's Twonks           Steve Tierney   53.3 21 364
 9 Woolyback Returns          Guy Harewood    54.9 23 364
10 Gone Poyet Gone            Nick Reed       54.8  4 349

11 Neil's Diamonds            Neil McConaghy  55.0  7 345
12 1964 Prathletico Grande    Malcolm Pratt   54.4  6 341
13 Eggafield Rovers           Edgar Rayner    52.9 15 323
14 Radnorshire Tigers         Alun Edwards    52.5 17 303
15 Which Team                 Rachel Jones    52.8 10 301
16 Moanchester Ununited       Alex Blundell   55.0 17 300
17 Johnny's Heroes            Sarah Bielby    54.8  8 296
18 Lashings Of Cheese         Chris Walsh     54.4  0 292
19 Real Mcdrid                Craig McHugh    53.0  8 289
20 It's A Snickers            Ash Keeler      54.0  4 270
21 Botley Yellow              Kate Wilson     54.4  7 265
22 Moobchester Utd            Jon King        54.7  3 247
23 Mintal Institute           Minty Colquhoun 54.9  2 243
24 Mainly Bell Jam            Hercule Poirot  54.0  3 242
25 It Goes To Eleven          Tom Vamos       47.3  6 136


                              Week's Average Points    10
                              Total Average Points    326
---

Week 35: David and Guyliath

Pyeators II and Woolyback Returns, David and Guyliath

Well, we've entered Week 36 and the OFFL Cup Semi-Finals are being played right now. Rick and Russ slap it out to see which will meet the victor of David and Guyliath.

OFFL Cup

Semi-Finals

 RS-TBOY            v   Livercoolio
[Rick Beecroft]        [Russ Bielby]

 Woolyback Returns  v   Pyeators II
[Guy Harewood]         [Dave Clayton]

Meanwhile, Neil McConaghy nabs another Manager of the Week certificate for himself by guiding his Neil's Diamonds to 16 points and climbing one place into eleventh.

Also of note, four teams in the top six have exhausted their transfer quota while Steve Tierney's Twonks and Guy's Woolybacks swap places in the top ten.  At the bottom it's close too (If you exclude Wooden Spoon certainties, It Goes To Eleven that is). The panicked bundle to avoid the Wooden Fork involves the three M's: Mainly Bell Jam, Minty's Mintal Institute and King Jon Moob's Moobchester Utd.

Mmm.

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Livercoolio                Russ Bielby     54.4  7 446
 2 Blat Setter's Mad Hatters  Gavin Ward      53.5  8 406
 3 Pyeators II                Dave Clayton    55.0  9 402
 4 Inter Milandrover          Smasher         54.5 13 397
 5 Irishpool                  Mike Smears     54.8 13 397
 6 Fattered Tanj              Sarah Bingham   52.9  8 367
 7 RS-TBOY                    Rick Beecroft   55.0  9 364
 8 Gone Poyet Gone            Nick Reed       54.8  5 345
 9 Tierney's Twonks           Steve Tierney   53.3  8 343
10 Woolyback Returns          Guy Harewood    54.9  4 341
11 Neil's Diamonds            Neil McConaghy  55.0 16 338
12 1964 Prathletico Grande    Malcolm Pratt   54.4  4 335
13 Eggafield Rovers           Edgar Rayner    52.9  0 308
14 Lashings Of Cheese         Chris Walsh     54.4 -2 292
15 Which Team                 Rachel Jones    52.8  6 291
16 Johnny's Heroes            Sarah Bielby    54.8  6 288
17 Radnorshire Tigers         Alun Edwards    52.5  8 286
18 Moanchester Ununited       Alex Blundell   55.0  7 283
19 Real Mcdrid                Craig McHugh    53.0  0 281
20 It's A Snickers            Ash Keeler      54.0 11 266
21 Botley Yellow              Kate Wilson     54.4  1 258
22 Moobchester Utd            Jon King        54.7  5 244
23 Mintal Institute           Minty Colquhoun 54.9 -1 241
24 Mainly Bell Jam            Hercule Poirot  54.0 -3 239
25 It Goes To Eleven          Tom Vamos       47.3  2 130


                              Week's Average Points     5
                              Total Average Points    315

Week 34: Belieb in the Bielby's

Russell Bielby has 38 followers

Bloody Bielby's!  She's won another Manager of the Week certificate and he's still miles ahead at the top of the table.  And, and, AND their beloved Liverpool are having their most exciting season for twenty five years.  Too much joy in one household at any one time should be policed out of this country.  It can only do no good.

It's enough to make one take to the twitter and shout about it.

Sods.

Bielby's taken to The Twitter to shout about it

So, yes, Sarah Bielby is Manager of the Week with 18 points which helps her Johnny's Heroes bump up two places closer to Hubby the Boy Bielby.

Meanwhile, the most exciting thing about this season's league is the fight to stay in the top ten.  Not that that's an actual Thing.  But hey ho.

I suppose there's the OFFL Cup.  Did you see the Semi-Final Fixtures?

Of course you did...

OFFL Cup

Semi-Finals, to be played in Week 36

RS-TBOY              v Livercoolio
[Rick Beecroft]          [Russ Bielby]

Woolyback Returns    v   Pyeators II
[Guy Harewood]           [Dave Clayton]

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Livercoolio                Russ Bielby     54.4  7 439
 2 Blat Setter's Mad Hatters  Gavin Ward      53.5  9 398
 3 Pyeators II                Dave Clayton    55.0  5 393
 4 Inter Milandrover          Smasher         54.5  1 384
 5 Irishpool                  Mike Smears     54.8  6 384
 6 Fattered Tanj              Sarah Bingham   53.4  3 359
 7 RS-TBOY                    Rick Beecroft   55.0 12 355
 8 Gone Poyet Gone            Nick Reed       54.8  9 340
 9 Woolyback Returns          Guy Harewood    54.9 12 337
10 Tierney's Twonks           Steve Tierney   53.3  6 335
11 1964 Prathletico Grande    Malcolm Pratt   54.4  9 331
12 Neil's Diamonds            Neil McConaghy  55.0  8 322
13 Eggafield Rovers           Edgar Rayner    52.9  3 308
14 Lashings Of Cheese         Chris Walsh     54.4  8 294
15 Which Team                 Rachel Jones    52.8 -3 285
16 Johnny's Heroes            Sarah Bielby    54.8 18 282
17 Real Mcdrid                Craig McHugh    53.0  4 281
18 Radnorshire Tigers         Alun Edwards    52.5 17 278
19 Moanchester Ununited       Alex Blundell   55.0  3 276
20 Botley Yellow              Kate Wilson     54.4  9 257
21 It's A Snickers            Ash Keeler      54.0  6 255
22 Mainly Bell Jam            Hercule Poirot  54.0  9 242
23 Mintal Institute           Minty Colquhoun 54.9  2 242
24 Moobchester Utd            Jon King        54.7  6 239
25 It Goes To Eleven          Tom Vamos       47.3  3 128


                              Week's Average Points     6

                              Total Average Points    309

Week 33: It Goes To Eleven is less than the difference between a husband and a wife

Not scoring as highly as the pre-season hopes suggested
 .

Manager of the Week is Dr Nick Reed. His Gone Poyet Gone scored a rather impressive 29 points helping Dr Reed to career up the hard-shoulder of the league motorway by beep-beep-beeping up three places.

Worthy of a mention is Mrs Bielby again. 25 points. A climb of two places. 168 points behind husband Russell. That's more than It Goes To Eleven's entire season total so far.

It's a funny ol' game, Saint. *Burp*.

OFFL Cup

Semi-Finals, to be played in Week 36

RS-TBOY           v Livercoolio
Woolyback Returns v Pyeators II

Ah, [to the throbbing background theme of Survivor's Eye of the Tiger] Lord Beeky against the Bielby. It's a Derby in Derby*. Can the ever-fruitful Rick hassle the Russell? And Guy against Dave - tenth versus third. We really have sorted the boys [and girls] from the men [and women] haven't we?

Keep your eyes on the prize people. Eyes on the prize.

*They don't spend as much time Derby together as they used to.

---

Good luck to Manager of It's a Snickers, Ash Keeler. Yet another season of abject failure has forced Mr Keeler to pack it all in and go and live in Australia [for a year/forever]. The shame was getting to him. We understand.

Only too well, as it happens.

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Livercoolio                Russ Bielby     54.4  9 432
 2 Blat Setter's Mad Hatters  Gavin Ward      53.5 17 389
 3 Pyeators II                Dave Clayton    55.0 19 388
 4 Inter Milandrover          Smasher         54.5 18 383
 5 Irishpool                  Mike Smears     54.8 23 378
 6 Fattered Tanj              Sarah Bingham   53.4 17 356
 7 RS-TBOY                    Rick Beecroft   55.0 18 343
 8 Gone Poyet Gone            Nick Reed       54.8 29 331
 9 Tierney's Twonks           Steve Tierney   53.3 15 329
10 Woolyback Returns          Guy Harewood    54.9 19 325

11 1964 Prathletico Grande    Malcolm Pratt   54.4 13 322
12 Neil's Diamonds            Neil McConaghy  55.0 15 314
13 Eggafield Rovers           Edgar Rayner    52.9  4 305
14 Which Team                 Rachel Jones    52.8 16 288
15 Lashings Of Cheese         Chris Walsh     54.4  9 286
16 Real Mcdrid                Craig McHugh    53.0 16 277
17 Moanchester Ununited       Alex Blundell   55.0 13 273
18 Johnny's Heroes            Sarah Bielby    54.8 25 264
19 Radnorshire Tigers         Alun Edwards    52.5 13 261
20 It's A Snickers            Ash Keeler      54.0  4 249
21 Botley Yellow              Kate Wilson     54.4 18 248
22 Mintal Institute           Minty Colquhoun 54.9  6 240
23 Mainly Bell Jam            Hercule Poirot  54.0 18 233
24 Moobchester Utd            Jon King        54.7 19 233
25 It Goes To Eleven          Tom Vamos       47.3 13 125


                              Week's Average Points    15
                              Total Average Points    302

Week 32: Undiminished Spurting

Beecroft: undiminished spurt
.

A couple of hatricks with a couple of braces and Manager of the Week this week is Smasher whose League Champions, Inter Milandrover, tucked away 40 points this week.  That's 12 points ahead of nearest rivals Irishpool resulting in the current Champs reclaiming fourth spot.  All the OFFL needs is another few weeks like this one and Russ Bielby might have something to worry about.

Though not from Minty Colquhoun's Mintal Institute...  Move along, there's nothing to see there.  Oof.

Meanwhile, Rick Beecroft's end-of-season spurt hasn't diminished.  Still thrusting up the chart, now seventh.  Keep it up Lord Beeky, keep it up.

T h e   T a b l e

                                            Value Points

   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot

 --------------------------------------------------------

 1 Livercoolio                Russ Bielby     54.4 18 423

 2 Blat Setter's Mad Hatters  Gavin Ward      53.5 27 372

 3 Pyeators II                Dave Clayton    55.0 26 369

 4 Inter Milandrover          Smasher         54.5 40 365

 5 Irishpool                  Mike Smears     55.0 28 355

 6 Fattered Tanj              Sarah Bingham   53.4 19 339

 7 RS-TBOY                    Rick Beecroft   55.0 29 325

 8 Tierney's Twonks           Steve Tierney   53.3 19 314

 9 1964 Prathletico Grande    Malcolm Pratt   54.4  6 309

10 Woolyback Returns          Guy Harewood    54.9  1 306

11 Gone Poyet Gone            Nick Reed       54.8 23 302

12 Eggafield Rovers           Edgar Rayner    52.9 12 301

13 Neil's Diamonds            Neil McConaghy  55.0 20 299

14 Lashings Of Cheese         Chris Walsh     54.4 20 277

15 Which Team                 Rachel Jones    52.8 12 272

16 Real Mcdrid                Craig McHugh    53.0 11 261

17 Moanchester Ununited       Alex Blundell   55.0  8 260

18 Radnorshire Tigers         Alun Edwards    52.5 19 248

19 It's A Snickers            Ash Keeler      54.0 10 245

20 Johnny's Heroes            Sarah Bielby    54.8 11 239

21 Mintal Institute           Minty Colquhoun 54.9 -1 234

22 Botley Yellow              Kate Wilson     54.4 22 230

23 Mainly Bell Jam            Hercule Poirot  54.0 10 215

24 Moobchester Utd            Jon King        54.7  2 214

25 It Goes To Eleven          Tom Vamos       47.3  5 112

                              Week's Average Points    15

                              Total Average Points    287

T r a n s f e r s   a n d   s t u f f

Irishpool

-------------------

   From: Mike Smears

     To: Chairman@LittleSmasher.com

Subject: 

Esteemed and Most Honourable Mr President

 

It will not have escaped your attention that the Rt Hon Chancellor has seen fit to empower OAPs by liberating their pension arrangements. May I suggest you, for once, take the sensible course of action and follow in his footsteps. A little relaxation of the rules, such as allowing people like myself over the age of 90 to have a free choice in buying our players, would be appropriate.  All I ask is a LITTLE relaxation: then I can sign up 11 Liverpool players. Can you so arrange?

 

Assuming that as ever you will treat this request with your usual obstinate refusal to cooperate, will you instead please effect the following transfer:

 

OUT

622    Ozil

 

IN

387    Silva

 

I am most grateful and undertake accordingly to vote for you to continue as President next season.

 

Yours most humbly

 

 

Bristling from Bassett

----------------------

Chairman responds:

Ah, I see you've surprisingly transferred in the diminuitive Iberian Maestro.  I say, 'surprisingly' because nobody expects the Spanish Inch Magician.

That's the third and final time I've tried to push that gag.  I'm giving up on it now.

Week 31: Domestic Abuse and the OFFL Cup Quarter Finals' Results

To husband hit
. 

Sarah Bielby Please Stand Up.  Now turn to your right and slap that League-leading husband of yours a thwack in the chops with your Manager of the Week certificate.

Thank you.

Speculation suggests that you came on top of him this week because it was his birthday.

*blush*

17 points suggest you just happened to have had a good week on the pitch.  Congratulations.  Now you can look forward to Eurovision [May 10th, don't forget].

Also of note, Kate Wilson's Botley Yellow jumped above Hercule Poirot's Mainly Bell Jam and rest more than 100 points above last place.

Hashtag Achievment.

RST-Boy continue to climb [one place] just as Mike Smears' Irishpool snatch fourth place from the flagging defending Champions Inter Milandrover.  Livercoolio are 60 points ahead of second place.

I mean, what's the point?

Ah, here we go...

OFFL Cup

ROUND THREE

           Mainly Bell Jam  6 v  9 RS-TBOY
           Gone Poyet Gone 10 v 14 Woolyback Returns
                Which Team  9 v 14 Livercoolio
   1964 Prathletico Grande  6 v 14 Pyeators II

Through to the semi-finals are Rick Beecroft, Guy Harewood, Russ Bielby and Dave Clayton.  Congratulations all.

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Livercoolio                Russ Bielby     54.4 14 405
 2 Blat Setter's Mad Hatters  Gavin Ward      53.5  7 345
 3 Pyeators II                Dave Clayton    55.0 14 343
 4 Irishpool                  Mike Smears     55.0  9 327
 5 Inter Milandrover          Smasher         54.5  1 325
 6 Fattered Tanj              Sarah Bingham   53.4  6 320
 7 Woolyback Returns          Guy Harewood    54.9 14 305
 8 1964 Prathletico Grande    Malcolm Pratt   54.4  6 303
 9 RS-TBOY                    Rick Beecroft   55.0  9 296
10 Tierney's Twonks           Steve Tierney   53.3  7 295

11 Eggafield Rovers           Edgar Rayner    52.9  3 289
12 Gone Poyet Gone            Nick Reed       54.8 10 279
13 Neil's Diamonds            Neil McConaghy  55.0 10 279
14 Which Team                 Rachel Jones    52.8  9 260
15 Lashings Of Cheese         Chris Walsh     54.4 11 257
16 Moanchester Ununited       Alex Blundell   55.0  6 252
17 Real Mcdrid                Craig McHugh    53.0 11 250
18 It's A Snickers            Ash Keeler      54.0 10 235
19 Mintal Institute           Minty Colquhoun 54.9  4 235
20 Radnorshire Tigers         Alun Edwards    52.5  9 229
21 Johnny's Heroes            Sarah Bielby    54.8 17 228
22 Moobchester Utd            Jon King        54.7  4 212
23 Botley Yellow              Kate Wilson     54.4 13 208
24 Mainly Bell Jam            Hercule Poirot  54.0  6 205
25 It Goes To Eleven          Tom Vamos       47.3  7 107


                              Week's Average Points     8

                              Total Average Points    271

Week 30: Pride and Pregnancy

Tom Vamos is very proud of his achievement

 

 

 

So proud of his 'Passing the 100 point mark' achievement, current Gardener Tom Vamos decided to stay on that score for another week.  Meanwhile The Impregnable Top Ten has just been impregnated.  By RST-Boy of course.  Lord Beeky, whose wife has recently given birth to his second child, is no stranger to impregnating things.  In the process, The Top Ten had to make space by putting Edgar Rayner's Eggafield Rovers up for adoption.

Which is a shame.  If he was to care.

This week's Managers of the Week include Gavin Ward, Smasher and Ash Keeler.  A bookie-rattling 9 points.  Swoon.

That was sarcasm just then.  Thank you.

Right.  OFFL Cup... it's being played NOW!

OFFL Cup

ROUND THREE

To be played in Week 31

           Mainly Bell Jam  v RS-TBOY
           Gone Poyet Gone  v Woolyback Returns
                Which Team  v Livercoolio
   1964 Prathletico Grande  v Pyeators II

It's for a valuable* prize!

*value is open to personal intepretation.

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Livercoolio                Russ Bielby     54.4  5 391
 2 Blat Setter's Mad Hatters  Gavin Ward      53.5  9 338
 3 Pyeators II                Dave Clayton    55.0  5 329
 4 Inter Milandrover          Smasher         54.1  9 324
 5 Irishpool                  Mike Smears     55.0  6 318
 6 Fattered Tanj              Sarah Bingham   53.4  6 314
 7 1964 Prathletico Grande    Malcolm Pratt   54.4  2 297
 8 Woolyback Returns          Guy Harewood    54.9 -1 291
 9 Tierney's Twonks           Steve Tierney   53.3  6 288
10 RS-TBOY                    Rick Beecroft   55.0  7 287
11 Eggafield Rovers           Edgar Rayner    52.9 -1 286
12 Gone Poyet Gone            Nick Reed       54.8  3 269
13 Neil's Diamonds            Neil McConaghy  55.0  6 269
14 Which Team                 Rachel Jones    52.8  8 251
15 Lashings Of Cheese         Chris Walsh     54.4  5 246
16 Moanchester Ununited       Alex Blundell   55.0  5 246
17 Real Mcdrid                Craig McHugh    53.0  0 239
18 Mintal Institute           Minty Colquhoun 54.9  2 231
19 It's A Snickers            Ash Keeler      54.0  9 225
20 Radnorshire Tigers         Alun Edwards    52.5  0 220
21 Johnny's Heroes            Sarah Bielby    54.8  4 211
22 Moobchester Utd            Jon King        54.7  5 208
23 Mainly Bell Jam            Hercule Poirot  54.0  0 199
24 Botley Yellow              Kate Wilson     54.4  4 195
25 It Goes To Eleven          Tom Vamos       47.3  0 100


                              Week's Average Points     4
                              Total Average Points    262
---

Week 29: Positions

It's all about position

Massive congratulations to Tom 'Each Point As It Comes' Vamos.  His 'It Goes To Eleven' week's haul of 4 points has plopped themselves on the 100 point mark.  

At long, long last.

Only another 92 points to go to lift him off the bottom of the league, eh?

And talking of positions... the top seven remain unchanged while RST-Boy creeps 2 points closer to invading the group of teams that have made up the top ten for the past 900 weeks.

Manager of the Week this week is Television Personality Nick Reed.  His Breakfast Show appearances have failed to mention the OFFL campaign leaving all the hard workers at OFFL HQ feeling a little bit miffed to be honest. Whatever.

[His Gone Poyet Gone notched up a large 23 points this week pushing him one place higher in the league]

And don't forget, gitcha transfers in for ...

OFFL Cup

ROUND THREE

To be played in Week 31

           Mainly Bell Jam  v RS-TBOY
           Gone Poyet Gone  v Woolyback Returns
                Which Team  v Livercoolio
   1964 Prathletico Grande  v Pyeators II

Till next week.

Tinkety tonk.


T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Livercoolio                Russ Bielby     54.4 20 386
 2 Blat Setter's Mad Hatters  Gavin Ward      53.5  8 329
 3 Pyeators II                Dave Clayton    55.0 13 324
 4 Inter Milandrover          Smasher         54.1 17 315
 5 Irishpool                  Mike Smears     55.0 17 312
 6 Fattered Tanj              Sarah Bingham   53.4 18 308
 7 1964 Prathletico Grande    Malcolm Pratt   54.4  9 295
 8 Woolyback Returns          Guy Harewood    54.9 17 292
 9 Eggafield Rovers           Edgar Rayner    52.9 10 287
10 Tierney's Twonks           Steve Tierney   53.3 15 282

11 RS-TBOY                    Rick Beecroft   55.0 17 280
12 Gone Poyet Gone            Nick Reed       54.8 23 266
13 Neil's Diamonds            Neil McConaghy  55.0 19 263
14 Which Team                 Rachel Jones    52.8 12 243
15 Lashings Of Cheese         Chris Walsh     54.4 11 241
16 Moanchester Ununited       Alex Blundell   55.0 18 241
17 Real Mcdrid                Craig McHugh    53.0 13 239
18 Mintal Institute           Minty Colquhoun 54.9 12 229
19 Radnorshire Tigers         Alun Edwards    52.5 16 220
20 It's A Snickers            Ash Keeler      54.0 11 216
21 Johnny's Heroes            Sarah Bielby    54.8 11 207
22 Moobchester Utd            Jon King        54.7  7 203
23 Mainly Bell Jam            Hercule Poirot  54.0 21 199
24 Botley Yellow              Kate Wilson     54.4  2 191
25 It Goes To Eleven          Tom Vamos       47.3  4 100


                              Week's Average Points    13
                              Total Average Points    258
---

Week 28: Meaningless Triumphalism

Mike Smears [in red] organised his own private
Manager of the Week awards ceremony last week.

Manager of the Week this week is @LordBeeky of Beecroft, Mr Rick.  Indeed, with 18 points netted, RST-Boy finally look to be on the verge of entering the OFFL top ten which has remained unchanged for 346* weeks.

Meanwhile, Russell "Justin" Belielby takes a pause from his cruise to the championship allowing some of the chasing pelaton to mistakenly belieb that their chance of catching him is coming.

It isn't.  Let's face it.  The League's a write off.  All we have is the Cup and Mike Smears' meaningless triumphalism before we commit to late night World Cup Match watching.

* factually incorrect.

And talking of both...

OFFL Cup

ROUND THREE, to be played in Week 31

           Mainly Bell Jam  v RS-TBOY
           Gone Poyet Gone  v Woolyback Returns
                Which Team  v Livercoolio
   1964 Prathletico Grande  v Pyeators II

Mike Smears' Meaningless Triumphalism

Irishpool
-------------------
   From: Mike Smears
     To: Chairman@LittleSmasher.com

Honourable Mr President

I write in my Official Capacity as Manager of the Week (are you sure it's not the Month?) and I assume your cheque to me is in the post. Speaking with this authority, may I propose that you introduce some gravitas (look it up in the dictionary) into the league by dismissing all managers below the age of 60, especially those five teams who at present lie between  Irishpool and a well-deserved Championship award. Please be so good as to implement this without delay.

I suppose you will disregard this proposal with your usual obduracy, so could you instead enact the following transfer please:

OUT 341 - Oscar
IN  334 - Hazard.

I shall be most obliged,

Yours respectfully,


"Bulldozer" of Bassett

---

T h e   T a b l e

                                            Value Points

   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot

 --------------------------------------------------------

 1 Livercoolio                Russ Bielby     54.4  6 366

 2 Blat Setter's Mad Hatters  Gavin Ward      53.5 10 321

 3 Pyeators II                Dave Clayton    55.0 14 311

 4 Inter Milandrover          Smasher         54.1 12 298

 5 Irishpool                  Mike Smears     54.3 16 295

 6 Fattered Tanj              Sarah Bingham   53.4  3 290

 7 1964 Prathletico Grande    Malcolm Pratt   54.4 15 286

 8 Eggafield Rovers           Edgar Rayner    52.9 10 277

 9 Woolyback Returns          Guy Harewood    54.9 10 275

10 Tierney's Twonks           Steve Tierney   53.3  5 267

11 RS-TBOY                    Rick Beecroft   55.0 18 263

12 Gone Poyet Gone            Nick Reed       54.8  3 243

13 Neil's Diamonds            Neil McConaghy  53.8  5 241

14 Which Team                 Rachel Jones    52.8  3 231

15 Lashings Of Cheese         Chris Walsh     54.4 11 230

16 Real Mcdrid                Craig McHugh    53.0 14 226

17 Moanchester Ununited       Alex Blundell   55.0  4 223

18 Mintal Institute           Minty Colquhoun 54.9  2 217

19 It's A Snickers            Ash Keeler      54.0  9 205

20 Radnorshire Tigers         Alun Edwards    52.5 11 204

21 Moobchester Utd            Jon King        54.7 -2 196

22 Johnny's Heroes            Sarah Bielby    54.8  9 196

23 Botley Yellow              Kate Wilson     54.4 15 189

24 Mainly Bell Jam            Hercule Poirot  54.0  4 178

25 It Goes To Eleven          Tom Vamos       47.3  7  96

                              Week's Average Points     8

                              Total Average Points    244