Week 39: Where are all the metatarsal injuries now eh?

Russell Bielby's Livercoolio win the OFFL Championship for the second time

It's not as if we didn't see it coming.  The long, slow, foreplay that has been most of this season has finally climaxed in this season-end's orgasmic crowning of the Office Fantasy Football League Champions 2013/2014, Livercoolio. Congratulations go to Mr Russell Bielby, League Champions for the second time. Interestingly, Bielby's last win was also in the last World Cup Year of 2010.  I say 'interestingly', but it isn't really.

What might be interesting is that in the last week, Dave Clayton's Pyeators II jumped two places to usurp Gavin Ward's Blat Setter's Mad Hatters to finish as Runners Up this season. Champs for the last two years, Inter Milandrover, finish in turd.  Third.

Meanwhile the Wooden Spoon has been won in emphatic style by Mr Tom Vamos.  His It Goes To Eleven finished an impressive 99 points below penultimate place, which in itself went to one-time League leaders Mintal Institute.

OFFL Cup

And now, for the Cup denouement.

Whose front door mat will get a jolly good thwonking from the much coveted Stanley Matthews' Football Album?

Well, thanks to the midweek games before the final Premiership Sunday of the Season, it was all square in the OFFL Cup at 10 points each.  But then Saturday came...

OFFL Cup Final
--------------
FINAL SCORE

RST-Boy       20  v  40  Woolyback Returns 
Rick Beecroft            Guy Harewood

So, the Manager of the Week certificate not only goes to Guy Harewood for scoring 40 points but it also ensures that his Woolyback Returns wins the OFFL Cup Final with relative ease, doubling the points of his opponent, Rick Beecroft.  Congratulations Mr Harewood - I'm sure the England legend's Footballing Annual will receive the utmost respect up there in the Clackmannanshire Republic of Scotland.

So, for most of you, another season ends with humiliating disappointment.  A brief look back over the last 39 weeks will probably make perfect sense of it all for you.  But right now it's over.  Over and done with.  There's nothing left for you here.  Move along please.

As always, Studmarks and all the staff at OFFL HQ, would like to thank you for taking part; for absorbing the barbed comments and ritual haranguing. Next season will be the 20th year of this nonsense.  If you can stomach it, you'd probably all be welcome.

Yes, twenty years.

By the time this missive is dispatched The Chairman will have given himself up to the authorities before planning, in time for next season, his inevitable escape from whichever inadequately secured institute in which he finds himself.

Nurse yourself through the forthcoming OFFL-less weeks with the month-long World Cup.  This season's abject failure to make any impact on the OFFL campaign will be adequate preparation for the witnessing of England's expected progress.

Which reminds us... where are all the metatarsal injuries now, eh?

Roll credits.


OFFICE FANTASY FOOTBALL LEAGUE CHAMPIONS 2014
---------------------------------------------
Livercoolio, 492 points
Russ Bielby


OFFL CUP WINNERS 2014
---------------------
Woolyback Returns
Guy Harewood


OFFICE FANTASY FOOTBALL LEAGUE RUNNERS UP 2014
----------------------------------------------
Pyeators II, 465 points
Dave Clayton


OFFL CUP RUNNERS UP
-------------------
RST-Boy
Rick Beecroft


Many, many, MANY congratulations.

Worth a mention:  After a season-long battle for many to finish in the top ten, Nick Reed's Gone Poyet Gone sneak past Neil's Neil's Diamonds to retake tenth place.  105 points behind the Champions mind, but it's the top ten, nevertheless.

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Livercoolio                Russ Bielby     55.0 10 492
 2 Pyeators II                Dave Clayton    54.0 22 465
 3 Inter Milandrover          Smasher         54.5 16 461
 4 Blat Setter's Mad Hatters  Gavin Ward      53.5 12 459
 5 Irishpool                  Mike Smears     54.8 22 452
 6 Fattered Tanj              Sarah Bingham   52.9 27 435
 7 RS-TBOY                    Rick Beecroft   55.0 20 421
 8 Woolyback Returns          Guy Harewood    54.9 40 412
 9 Tierney's Twonks           Steve Tierney   53.3 19 406
10 Gone Poyet Gone            Nick Reed       54.8 23 387
11 Neil's Diamonds            Neil McConaghy  55.0 21 386
12 1964 Prathletico Grande    Malcolm Pratt   54.4 17 362
13 Eggafield Rovers           Edgar Rayner    52.9 19 354
14 Radnorshire Tigers         Alun Edwards    52.5 24 350
15 Johnny's Heroes            Sarah Bielby    54.8 28 337
16 Which Team                 Rachel Jones    52.8  4 322
17 Real Mcdrid                Craig McHugh    53.0 13 322
18 Moanchester Ununited       Alex Blundell   55.0  7 317
19 Lashings Of Cheese         Chris Walsh     54.4 17 314
20 Botley Yellow              Kate Wilson     54.4 25 303
21 It's A Snickers            Ash Keeler      54.0  3 294
22 Moobchester Utd            Jon King        54.7 17 272
23 Mainly Bell Jam            Hercule Poirot  54.0 13 261
24 Mintal Institute           Minty Colquhoun 54.9  6 253
25 It Goes To Eleven          Tom Vamos       47.3  4 154


                              Week's Average Points    17
                              Total Average Points    359
---

Week 36: Little tinkling in bed

OMG Chairman's Bed-Bound Equipment Of Choice

OFFL Cup

Semi-Finals Results, played in Week 36

RS-TBOY           19 v 18 Livercoolio
Woolyback Returns 23 v 16 Pyeators II

As some of you may be aware, Our Most Gracious [and parsimonious] Chairman doesn't like to give too much away.  Particularly when it's to just one manager.  You may remember the season, ten years ago, in which both the OFFL Cup and the OFFL Championship went to Steve Tierney's Tierney's Twonks - in a fit of cantankerous pique, OMG Chairman had to take to his bed with his little beckoning bell for two months after that.

This season, He's been fearing the worst again.  Indeed, rampant Russ Bielby has been giving him cause to polish that beckoning bell once more, replacing the little clapper that Mrs Chairman so carefully removed in order to dust and couldn't remember where she'd mislaid it.  Up until now, Bielby's boys looked certain to repeat Mr Tierney's 2004 feat. Thankfully though, The Chairman need not have worried.  Rick Beecroft to the rescue. Rick's RST-Boy have knocked out OFFL Champs Elect Livercoolio by just one point.  Bye bye Bielby.

The horrible reality for Mr Bielby is that if only he hadn't transferred out Paulinho TOT 9 minutes before the transfer deadline [Monday 1730hrs]. Paulinho's score would have meant Lord Beeky's exit instead, by just 1 point.  The inverse tragedy struck our other defeated Semi-Finalist, Dave Clayton.  His transfer request for Sterling LIV missed the deadline by 3 hours.  Sterling scored 8 points and would have won the tie for Pyeators II by, yes, 1 point.

And maybe that's as exciting as this season's going to get for us.  Well, for Finalists Rick and Guy at any rate.

The OFFL Cup Final will be played between RST-Boy and Woolyback Returns.

Congratulations Guys.  And Ricks.

The Bromance of the Cup lives on.


T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Livercoolio                Russ Bielby     55.0 18 464
 2 Pyeators II                Dave Clayton    55.0 16 418
 3 Inter Milandrover          Smasher         54.5 19 416
 4 Blat Setter's Mad Hatters  Gavin Ward      53.5  6 412
 5 Irishpool                  Mike Smears     54.8 15 412
 6 Fattered Tanj              Sarah Bingham   52.9 18 385
 7 RS-TBOY                    Rick Beecroft   55.0 19 383
 8 Tierney's Twonks           Steve Tierney   53.3 21 364
 9 Woolyback Returns          Guy Harewood    54.9 23 364
10 Gone Poyet Gone            Nick Reed       54.8  4 349

11 Neil's Diamonds            Neil McConaghy  55.0  7 345
12 1964 Prathletico Grande    Malcolm Pratt   54.4  6 341
13 Eggafield Rovers           Edgar Rayner    52.9 15 323
14 Radnorshire Tigers         Alun Edwards    52.5 17 303
15 Which Team                 Rachel Jones    52.8 10 301
16 Moanchester Ununited       Alex Blundell   55.0 17 300
17 Johnny's Heroes            Sarah Bielby    54.8  8 296
18 Lashings Of Cheese         Chris Walsh     54.4  0 292
19 Real Mcdrid                Craig McHugh    53.0  8 289
20 It's A Snickers            Ash Keeler      54.0  4 270
21 Botley Yellow              Kate Wilson     54.4  7 265
22 Moobchester Utd            Jon King        54.7  3 247
23 Mintal Institute           Minty Colquhoun 54.9  2 243
24 Mainly Bell Jam            Hercule Poirot  54.0  3 242
25 It Goes To Eleven          Tom Vamos       47.3  6 136


                              Week's Average Points    10
                              Total Average Points    326
---

Week 13: Lauding it

Guy Harewood lauding it over the rest of the league.
[If you don't include the actual leaders, of course]

Guy Harewood claims his second Manager of the Week certificate of the season after seeing his Woolyback Returns zip up into second place with a 24-point haul.  Big Malcolm Tweak pratts his team after seeing them fall three places into fifth and Fattered Tanj's lead is shrinking again - now down to just 6 points.  Sarah Bielby's Johnny's Heroes climb highest by elevating themselves five places into fifteenth (after crossing the 100 point mark) and everyone look at Ash Keeler.  Everyone!  Stare at his shame.  -3 points.

No matches for this coming week so chat amongst yourselves for a bit, won't you?

T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                       Manager       (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Fattered Tanj              Sarah Bingham   54.2 12 155
 2 Woolyback Returns          Guy Harewood    54.9 24 149
 3 Livercoolio                Russ Bielby     55.0 16 149
 4 Inter Milandrover          Smasher         52.9 20 148
 5 1964 Prathletico Grande    Malcolm Pratt   54.9 10 146
 6 Eggafield Rovers           Edgar Rayner    52.9 16 136
 7 Neil's Diamonds            Neil McConaghy  54.5  6 122
 8 Gone Poyet Gone            Nick Reed       54.6  9 118
 9 Mintal Institute           Minty Colquhoun 54.9 15 115
10 RS-TBOY                    Rick Beecroft   54.6 13 111

11 Moobchester Utd            Jon King        54.7  8 110
12 Moanchester Ununited       Alex Blundell   55.0 15 110
13 Blat Setter's Mad Hatters  Gavin Ward      52.1 12 107
14 Tierney's Twonks           Steve Tierney   53.6  7 102
15 Johnny's Heroes            Sarah Bielby    54.8 22 102
16 Real Mcdrid                Craig McHugh    54.8  8  98
17 Radnorshire Tigers         Alun Edwards    53.4  7  97
18 Pyeators II                Dave Clayton    54.0  7  97
19 Botley Yellow              Kate Wilson     54.4 19  95
20 Irishpool                  Mike Smears     53.0  2  88
21 It's A Snickers            Ash Keeler      54.0 -3  84
22 Which Team                 Rachel Jones    52.8 17  76
23 Lashings Of Cheese         Chris Walsh     53.6 15  76
24 Mainly Bell Jam            Hercule Poirot  54.0 11  62
25 It Goes To Eleven          Tom Vamos       47.3  6  26


                              Week's Average Points    11
                              Total Average Points    107
---

Week 01: "Stop The Press! We need it for more 'Manager of the Week' Certificates"

Well that's never happened before.  Six managers, SIX of them, are all sharing Week One's top spot in the league with 18 points apiece.  This means there are SIX Manager of the Week certificates to be spewed out from the upper windows of the OFFL HQ's printing department.

Like a really naff ticker tape parade.

Also a first, each team that has been submitted to date has Robin Van Persie ARS as a striker.  This effectively means you're all fighting this season out with ten men.  Effectively.

Furthermore, we welcome back Kate Wilson to the best Fantasy Football League in the whole wide room.  The relentlessly optimistic Oxford United supporter has thrown her straw boater into the ring with other Oxford notables, Alun Edwards and Neil McConaghy.

Back too, with magnificent pedigree, is 2006 Champion Guy Harewood, and ukulele playing Brighton & 'Hove Actually' stalwart Nick Reed.  They'll be vying for supremacy with the only manager to ever achieve The Double: Steve Tierney is back to wave his Tierney's Twonks about, hoping to repeat the performance of 2004.  Let's emphasise that again... The Only Team To Have Done The Double.  That was an enormous achievement.  Enormous.  As is Steve.

[If all the stories are true]

[To be fair they're all HIS stories]

We also welcome back the current back-to-back Champions, Inter Milandrover.  But the less said about them the better.

Welcome back one and all, and remember... it's a marathon, not a etc etc.


T h e   T a b l e
                                            Value Points
   Team                  Manager            (GBPm)Wk Tot
 --------------------------------------------------------
 1 Neil's Diamonds        Neil McConaghy      54.5 18  18
 1 Blat Setter's Mad HatteGavin Ward          54.6 18  18
 1 Real Mcdrid            Craig McHugh        54.7 18  18
 1 Woolyback Returns      Guy Harewood        54.8 18  18
 1 Mintal Institute       Minty Colquhoun     54.9 18  18
 1 Inter Milandrover      Smasher             54.9 18  18
 7 Eggafield Rovers       Edgar Rayner        54.8 15  15
 7 1964 Prathletico GrandeMalcolm Pratt       54.9 15  15
 9 RS-TBOY                Rick Beecroft       54.5 14  14
10 Livercoolio            Russ Bielby         55.0 12  12

11 Botley Yellow          Kate Wilson         54.4 11  11
11 Johnny's Heroes        Sarah Bielby        54.8 11  11
11 Radnorshire Tigers     Alun Edwards        55.0 11  11
14 Pyeators II            Dave Clayton        54.7  9   9
15 Moobchester Utd        Jon King            54.7  7   7
16 Gone Poyet Gone        Nick Reed           53.6  6   6
17 Lashings Of Cheese     Chris Walsh         54.9  5   5


                          Week's Average Points        13
                          Total Average Points         13
---